Use classifieds to buy, sell or advertise anything! God damn, am i a sell out! But how much money are you making? Exactly. Loser. <$BlogRSDURL$>

i hate you.

This website sucks. Don't read it.

-I.m. on bitchyrightnow if you wanna fight. Biotch.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

I think im going to beat the people of the SPCA with a bullhook. It'll be kinda fun. For both of us. If they're into that sorta thing. 

Yeah, the aspca has some admirable ideas but sometimes these organizations are out of control. Just recently a friend of mine lost his buisness to these tree-hugging shitbags. A well-maintaned pet shop. Its not like he was selling puppy-mill dogs. No ones that stupid. The spca made mistakes in their prosecution but just because they're 'out for a good cause' they ended up winning the trial. I understand poppin it at those circus freaks but c'mon, enough is enough. Think running of the bulls is uncivilized? So they run around naked instead. Riiiight. And don't these vegans understand that if we DON'T eat meat, animals will overpopulate and eventually die from lack of food. SLOW PAINFUL STARVATION. Yeah. It's called the food chain. You're just promoting the downfall of nature. Human conduct is natural, trying to control it is unnatural. If everyone was to stop eating meat life would go awry. Homosapiens would become extinct. So fucking stupid.


posted by laurie  # 9:14:00 PM

Monday, August 02, 2004

My job sucks. 

I dont think i've ever mentioned this but, i hate my job. Yeah i have a job. I bet you just shit yourself. I know i did. I am a faithful employee of DuNkIn' dOnUtzz! Heeelllz y34h! Oh my god, i hate it so much. Im supposed to be there right now but they sent me home for not wearing pants. Because anyone can see me behind the counter! Plus i have a cute behind. You should see it. Mmmmm. And maybe i was 30 minutes late. Whatever, they're so controlling. So im putting some pants on and going back in. I dunno about you but it always takes me about an hour to change my pants. When i get back im gonna piss in my boss's smoothie.
posted by laurie  # 2:48:00 PM

Monday, July 26, 2004

Eat shit. 

I am not going to update right now and im not going to be here for a few days.  Ill be somewhere else. I dont know how youre going to sustain livelyhood without my comic relief. I understand youre hurting inside. But you gotta remember, i couldnt really give a flying fuck. Im not here for you.

xParis1nFlam3sx: wonder how many times were gonna have to explain to the cops down there why louie doesn't have pants on

posted by laurie  # 7:12:00 PM

Sunday, July 04, 2004

Skate videos are hella boring. 

Except for when you're watching people you know break their knee caps.
www.spskateboarding.cjb.net
Its fucktastic.
posted by laurie  # 11:46:00 PM

You know what, taking back sunday sucks.  

Whatever happened to the real reason of rock music? You know... fuck the man, rebellion, its about the MUSIC not the image. Kids today have turned a wonderful thing into a mainstream, image concerned illusion fueled by money hungry big buisness. How could they be so stupid? The more you serperate rock music into categories the further the message of the revolution becomes. You people makes me wanna choke puppies. It's your fault that mommy drinks. I know more about the crap you pretend to be interested in than you do. And i could care less about you're fading "revolution". Man i kick so much ass.

Self-labeling morons and why they suck so bad-
Emo.
+Anyone who needs guidance on how to be themselves needs more psychological consultation than i do.
+Why does you're shirt fit better than mine? Homo.
+Thursday?! I write better music with my ass and an old bottle of Paps.
+I would love to show up at a Dashboard Confessional concert and play "Mass Suicide" with my new friends. I would lose everytime.
+I can't stand complaining. No one cares that your parents divorced you self-obsorbed jerkoffs. Go obstain from sex or whatever it is you closet flamers do.
+Why not just listen to clay aiken? You relate with your suburban lifestyle and budding homosexuality.
Punk.
+You're wearing an anti-bush pin while im wondering if you can even name a member of his cabinet. Yeah, you're a real badass now.
+Just because i can't describe what kind of shit the lead singer took on June 10th of 1972 doesnt mean i cant be a fan.
+Only you can wear a band shirt, because YOU are the epitimy of fandom... or as we call it the real world- stupidity and waste.
+You're pants are too tight. I can see you're bulge.
Old school rock.
+Just because something was made after 1990 doesnt mean it sucks. But you sure do.
+No matter how cool you think guns n' roses are doesnt mean you are. I hope you get raped you self-loathing asshole.
+Ryan Fredricks is a ho.
+Good music gets better with time... like a good wine. Really? I hope you feel the same way about the assraping you're goint to get from my foot everyday.
+Yeah go ahead and bang your head like the.. the less brain cells the more hardcore, right?

posted by laurie  # 10:31:00 PM

Monday, June 28, 2004

Yerp. 

YOUNG PRETEEN GIRL FUCKS A DOG!!!
posted by laurie  # 8:15:00 PM

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

This is why i hate everyone. 

THE MOST BORING PERSON IN THE FUCKING UNIVERSE has the audacity to say that im an 'unpleasant person'.
Here's an excerpt from her xanga:
"Ok...so uhm, what have I been doing lately...softball banquet(parents are watching the vids right now) Doing a LOT of school stuff...yearbooks!!! I'll start off with that stuff...
So I made some pictures besides the group athletic shots and people signed it...oh boy, mr weber's one almost made me cry...but I didnt cause he was right there. So did Mr. Cusacks, they all made me sad. I think the covers were really nice...and my write up made me laugh a lil...hehe"
Yeah, i didnt read it either. I saw softball and hehe, so instinctively i vomited into my hands and continued to destroy my computer with a club while screaming "BAAAHHH. NO UNDERSTAND. FIRE BURN."
I've actually met this girl in real life. And there's no getting around the fact that she's h-u-g-e. Not even if you ran. That huge. OH YES I WENT THERE. But when the stake (not to mention the IQ and the metabolism) is so low , it doesn't even matter where i go anymore. What's she gonna do? Sit on me? Flame at me? Throw angry glances from afar? Create a new Dungeons and Dragons character to defeat me with? "Yeah that dragon there... That's laurie." *shivers (out of disgust and humiliation for her parents)* Sit on her ass spooning bacon grease into her mouth while watching anime? Most likely.

And this is why i only strongly dislike Tarkvinius.

bitchyrightnow: Yue4Prez
Tarkvinius: Wha
bitchyrightnow: harrass this thing

"Tarkvinius: Hey
Yue4Prez: hi
Tarkvinius: I need some advice.
Yue4Prez: hmm, who are you?
Tarkvinius: This is Johnny
Yue4Prez: hoskings?
Tarkvinius: Yeaha
Tarkvinius: Can I have some advice?
Yue4Prez: ok, go ahead
Tarkvinius: Do you think bad things will happen if I salt my penis?
Yue4Prez: with ice?
Tarkvinius: No, if I salt it.
Tarkvinius: With salt.
Yue4Prez: well salt then ice
Tarkvinius: Why ice?
Yue4Prez: cause you can do that on your arm
Tarkvinius: But this is my penis
Yue4Prez: it leaves a mark
Tarkvinius: Oh goody. Do you salt your penis?
Yue4Prez: not regularly
Yue4Prez: i dont think anything will happen...
Tarkvinius: Weak-sauce.
Yue4Prez: unless u do something
Yue4Prez: what are u just going to sprinkle it on?
Tarkvinius: Yeah probably.
Yue4Prez: yeah i dont think anything will happen
Tarkvinius: I think mine is bigger than yours. But once I salt it, it should shrivel.
Tarkvinius: And it'll be like yours.
Tarkvinius: Like my idols.
Tarkvinius: When is your period?
Yue4Prez: i dont know
Tarkvinius: I need to know.
Yue4Prez: why? o.O
Tarkvinius: Because I'd like to know when I can steal your tampons and sniff them.
Yue4Prez: I'll never see you again in school so it doesnt matter anyway o.O
Yue4Prez: why dont you just buy some?
Tarkvinius: I want the ones with your blood on them.
Tarkvinius: So I can cast crazy wiccan spells.
Yue4Prez: ok...thats just wrong
Tarkvinius: You think what I do is wrong?
Yue4Prez: mostly
Tarkvinius: Well fuck you, judgmental cunt. I hope you choke on dog cock and die.
Yue4Prez: you're probably gonna be one of those creepy guys who goes around stalking girls
Tarkvinius: Well that shows how much you know, cumdumpster.
Tarkvinius: I already am.
Yue4Prez: download the pervert song by guttermouth
Yue4Prez: it reminds me of you
Tarkvinius: I don't listen to shitty bands like that.
Yue4Prez: its one song
Yue4Prez: but it depicts you
Tarkvinius: I don't use Kazaa.
Tarkvinius: If I download illegally, the RIAA will come and fuck me in the ass.
Yue4Prez: well look up the lyrics
Yue4Prez: yeah, but i bet you'd like that...
Tarkvinius: No I wouldn't. They don't use lube.
Tarkvinius: And I'm not looking up shit for you, your fucktastic cock ringer.
Yue4Prez: are you stoned?
Tarkvinius: Your fuck stock is ass prone, ass baubel.
Tarkvinius: I'm not stoned, I'm sober-impaired.
Tarkvinius: Racist.
Yue4Prez: o.O
Tarkvinius: Quit doing anime eyes. What are you some kind of anime freak that doesn't bathe and never leaves the house except for a Sailor Moon con?
Yue4Prez: haha i always do them.
Tarkvinius: Quit flossing with cock, dickmilk.
Yue4Prez: ok yeah...im gonna have to block you
Yue4Prez: i feel this conversation has no relevance to my being alive what so ever
Tarkvinius: Oh no! Please don't deny me the priveledge of talking to your stupid ass!
Yue4Prez: http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Pervert-lyrics-Nerf-Herder/E47329C5F42A8A8048256C560010F296
Tarkvinius: Y'know, I'm not clicking.
Tarkvinius: I don't care.
Tarkvinius: I'm tired of your bullshit.
Yue4Prez: its the pervert song, your theory
Tarkvinius: I'm blocking YOU.
Yue4Prez: lol what did i do to you?
Yue4Prez: lmao
Tarkvinius: Your breath smells of jizz, and is therefore offensive to me.
Yue4Prez: lol
Yue4Prez: *sigh* not going to miss this much
Yue4Prez signed off at 11:42:55 PM."

bitchyrightnow: hahahahahahaha lmfao
bitchyrightnow: im putting that on my website
Tarkvinius: Go for it.

posted by laurie  # 12:04:00 AM

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

I want out. 

Can i do this anymore, living life like i think it should be? Who am i making happy? Not myself. Not who matters. Living behind shadows and facades. Being someone that should be worthy of love. Anyone but me. Maybe this explains some things. When they say they love me... it doesn't feel true, because im not true. Im not true to myself. I can blame this on as many physiological abnormalities as i can think of. Maybe its my borderline personality disorder, or maybe even the depths of my boredom. Maybe its my insecurities. But there's nothing to blame it on. Its just me. Its just me trying to break out. Out of the norm, away from my demons. I want out. But this is my matrix, this is my life. There is no out. So its back to everyday life for me. Mocking my frustrations, trying desperately to make a ripple. One day it'll catch on. People will stop blaming, children will stop crying, society will laugh.
Mistakes are made. Hearts are broken. Not everything is one sided. Not everyone is 2d.
posted by laurie  # 4:10:00 PM

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

What? WHAT? IT'S NOT FUNNY. 

Finding Nemo? Shrek? SHREK 2 FOR FUCKS SAKE?!?! You think these movies are LiEk OmMgAAaaaawwwd SoOoOoo FrEkin CuTe aNd sIlLy? You know what is sooo freakin cute and silly- me, stabbing you in the eye with the number of random pins you have attached to your shoelaces. Awwwww. :). You can watch a talking ass anytime, just look in the mirror dillhole. HAR HAR HAR im so funny. These movies were made for the enjoyment of small children and middle aged losers. NOT YOU. Asshole. Im eating a hot dog right now. Thats right, a hot dog. Time to go watch soaps. YES SOAPS, this is the kind of hilarity i condone. Assholes.
posted by laurie  # 12:26:00 PM

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

BAH. 

THERES NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT.
posted by laurie  # 3:35:00 PM

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Again, im a goat. 

Vote Maddox- regressive party. Well in 2016 anyway. I also believe there should be a "Laurie has sex with Maddox for an endless number of hours" movement. Yep.
posted by laurie  # 12:02:00 PM

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

I'm a goat. 

xParis1nFlam3sx: theres mexicans landscrapers right across the street from me right now
xParis1nFlam3sx: building a house stealing hubcaps mowing peoples lawn that didn't ask them
xParis1nFlam3sx: haha silly mexicans thinking there alowed to accept money from other people
xParis1nFlam3sx: not until they pick more fruit
xParis1nFlam3sx: which reminds me i need a taco brb homz..
Auto response from xParis1nFlam3sx: Getting a taco then stealing some hub caps..

MaGiCaLxxShRoOm: a horse walks into a bar. the bartender says "hey, why the long face?"

ZEROORDIELOSER: ahhhhhhhh fuck my poopie

JJM253: something cute
bitchyrightnow: your vagina?
JJM253: now thats something cute to talk about
bitchyrightnow: thats more like smelly
JJM253: yea but so smelly that its cute
JJM253: like a monkey

xParis1nFlam3sx: im lost
xParis1nFlam3sx: but i know it is illegal for black peple to walk around without theyre freedom papers

ShOrTwOmAn98: r u a boy or girl
bitchyrightnow: neither
ShOrTwOmAn98: than wat r u
bitchyrightnow: im a goat

SPARKLE7C7 you act as if your a refridgerator...stop it with the games
SPARKLE7C7: you open and close....taking meat in and out...

V E X 9 8 6: I was thinking not even joining a sport and just running recklessly around town with a Hungarian war sword and just killing innocent people!!!
V E X 9 8 6: and screaming, "who's the man!!!???"

Tarkvinius: Sometimes I like to run around my street with my trousers on my head, yelling "GO GIANT ROBOT! CRUSH THE INFIDELS!!"

ZEROORDIELOSER: does ur grandmothers pussy look like a cookie?

Tarkvinius: I even licked the used tampon clean.
Tarkvinius: So she could reinsert it.

bitchyrightnow: milk me
FourBob2Marley0: cud i just majke u cum instead?
bitchyrightnow: um id prefer lactation
FourBob2Marley0: or suck ur nippels lol
FourBob2Marley0: ok
FourBob2Marley0: lol
FourBob2Marley0: but cumming wod feel better
bitchyrightnow: no no the milk must be used to feed the kittens

bitchyrightnow: were havin an after party
bitchyrightnow: checking out 6 in the mornin
JJM253: after party for what
JJM253: will there be apple juice
JJM253: please say yes
posted by laurie  # 9:05:00 PM

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

OMG! Let's type a bunch of Linkin Park lyrics and pretend we're not the worthless uninteresting people our parents are embarrased of! COOL BEANS! 

I wish i had a weblog like this. Then all my PuNk RaWk friends could comment on how 'kewl' and 'in depth' i am. If i wrote all the blink 182 lyrics i could think of i bet i would be considered one of the greatest thinkers of our time! Up there with Socrates and Homer. I could have cute catch phrases like ..."Its a crazy life...some ups...some downs...mostly craziness...and lots of retardedness!" Yeah! Retardedness! A real word! Yeah, maybe in psycho loser land, you stupid cunt. But this girl's got me trumped... she's more 'mature' than me. BUT IM 17, I KNOW EVERYTHING! I EXPECT PEOPLE TO TAKE ME AS A MATURE RESPONSIBLE ADULT! Yeah ok, you're an idiot. Just because one person comments 'i luv u!' every ten posts doesnt mean anyone is actually reading your 'writing'. I love this.

p.s. Dont forget to read the rebutle!
posted by laurie  # 9:29:00 PM

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Hey! I'm a bitch! Yeah smarty, its a brand new concept! 

(Sorry I'm not writing about Rob Schnieder yet Drexil, I'm not your bitch... only in bed.)
This situation is 100% true. Names and grammar have not been changed to protect the stupid.

ShOrTwOmAn98: hey
Auto response from bitchyrightnow: I am away from my computer right now.

bitchyrightnow: hi
bitchyrightnow: milk me
ShOrTwOmAn98: what does that mean
bitchyrightnow: what doesnt it mean
bitchyrightnow: so who are you?
ShOrTwOmAn98: bitch leave me alone
(she proceeds to warn me)
bitchyrightnow: haha im sorry, but i do believe you contacted me
ShOrTwOmAn98: so
bitchyrightnow: hahah cmon who is this
(she proceeds to warn me further)
ShOrTwOmAn98: i'm not telling
bitchyrightnow: well arent we mature and collected
ShOrTwOmAn98: no leave me alone
(she once again proceeds to warn me...)
bitchyrightnow: haha i love how you think warning me is in some way hurting me when obviously since my icon says "warn me" it doesnt
bitchyrightnow: theres no reciprocation
ShOrTwOmAn98: shut up
ShOrTwOmAn98: dick licker
bitchyrightnow: well i cant deny that
ShOrTwOmAn98: i guess your a lezbian
bitchyrightnow: do "lezbians" lick dicks?
bitchyrightnow: again- theres no reciprocation
ShOrTwOmAn98: this is their mother did they say anything bad to u
bitchyrightnow: hahahaha
bitchyrightnow: wow, youre a sad sad mental case
ShOrTwOmAn98: it is young lady i will call the cops on you if you don't stop it right now!
(SHE SERIOUSLY SAID THIS. HAHAHA. SERIOUSLY, THE COPS. WOW. I LOVE IT.)
bitchyrightnow: hahhahahahahahahahahha
ShOrTwOmAn98: thats it i'm calling them
bitchyrightnow: do you even have means of locating my i.p. address?!
bitchyrightnow: not to mention the fact that the confrontaion was indeed started by your party
bitchyrightnow: and how bout the fact that i havent said anything profane whatsoever?!
ShOrTwOmAn98: no it was not young lady
bitchyrightnow: do i need to send you the conversation?
bitchyrightnow:

~~~" ShOrTwOmAn98: hey
Auto response from bitchyrightnow: I am away from my computer right now.

bitchyrightnow: hi
bitchyrightnow: milk me
ShOrTwOmAn98: what does that mean
bitchyrightnow: what doesnt it mean
bitchyrightnow: so who are you?
ShOrTwOmAn98: bitch leave me alone
bitchyrightnow: haha im sorry, but i do believe you contacted me"~~~

bitchyrightnow: does that sound like i was instigating an arguement, "young lady"?
ShOrTwOmAn98: no sry about that
bitchyrightnow: yeah ok whatever
ShOrTwOmAn98: dichk
bitchyrightnow: wow
bitchyrightnow: please see a mental health professional
bitchyrightnow: pronto
ShOrTwOmAn98: bitch bitch bitch bitch
bitchyrightnow: no need to repeat yourself
bitchyrightnow: if youre suffering from terrets there is a website you can contact that has information and good help www.terretsme.com
ShOrTwOmAn98: hoe bag
bitchyrightnow: ho*
(Ho is spelled h-o because it is a shortened term for whore. A hoe is a gardening tool.)
bitchyrightnow: i am NOT a garden tool
bitchyrightnow: nor will i ever be
ShOrTwOmAn98: yes u r
bitchyrightnow: YOU ID NOT JUST CALL ME A GARDEN TOOL?!
bitchyrightnow: OH MAH GAWD
bitchyrightnow: WELL YOUR A WHEEL BARROW
ShOrTwOmAn98: u r a garden tool ur a garden tool
bitchyrightnow: stop it!
bitchyrightnow: MY MOMMY SAYS IM SPECIAL
ShOrTwOmAn98: u r a garden tool that i use for smashing on the ground
bitchyrightnow: what would that be exactly?
ShOrTwOmAn98: u r a garden tool u rt a garden tool u r a garden tool u r a garden tool
bitchyrightnow: i just told you about the terrets help, didnt i?
bitchyrightnow: alright youre not very entertaining anymore
ShOrTwOmAn98: bitch,b
bitchyrightnow: ok then
bitchyrightnow: farewell
ShOrTwOmAn98: u need help mabey u need to get you're brain fixed and get some more of those retart pills that u take every day mabey thats why u don't hurt my feelings with that stupid web site
(I need to get my brain fixed. Because apparently my evil plan, to insult this random preteen, has failed miserably. I mean obviously she is not even bothered in the slightest.)
bitchyrightnow: hahhahah i wasnt trying to hurt your feelings weety
bitchyrightnow: sweety
ShOrTwOmAn98: yeah right
bitchyrightnow: i really couldnt care less
bitchyrightnow: oh btw
bitchyrightnow: maybe*
ShOrTwOmAn98: what grade are u in
bitchyrightnow: im a junior in highschool
ShOrTwOmAn98: fuck you
ShOrTwOmAn98: your a bitch and btw maybe you need to kill your self and say your last words and then say fuck my self. there i solved your problems happy now
ShOrTwOmAn98: and by the way i think you dont have anyfriends
bitchyrightnow: wow thanks
bitchyrightnow: i really needed your opinion
ShOrTwOmAn98: sry just so u should know your a BITCH
bitchyrightnow: OH WOW THANKS FOR INFORMING ME
bitchyrightnow: NO ONES EVER TOLD ME THAT BEFORE
bitchyrightnow: THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
ShOrTwOmAn98: AND BY THE WAY GO TOO YOUR CRY TOO YOUR MOMMY AND SINCE YOUR GAY GO SUCK YOUR DAD BALLS
ShOrTwOmAn98: PUNK
bitchyrightnow: hahhaahahahhaha do gay girls succk their dads balls?
bitchyrightnow: because i sure know i do
bitchyrightnow: is your mom still there?
bitchyrightnow: hahaha
bitchyrightnow: wow
ShOrTwOmAn98: WELL T6HEN I THINK YUR AN LEZBEAN . MOTHER FUCKER
bitchyrightnow: an lezbaen?
bitchyrightnow: BEAN?
bitchyrightnow: LIKE A BEAN?
bitchyrightnow: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
bitchyrightnow: OMG OMG
bitchyrightnow: I LOVE YOU
ShOrTwOmAn98: YOUR GAY ShOrTwOmAn98: AND I'M IN COLLIGE AND I KNOW MORE THING THAT U DON'T FUCKER
(OMG SHES IN COLLIGE, SHE KNOWS MORE THING THAT I DONT!!!!!!!!!)
bitchyrightnow: but youre only 9 or 10
bitchyrightnow: and stop playing with your bumhole
bitchyrightnow: you could get an infection
ShOrTwOmAn98: SHUT UP BITCH AND I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASSS READ MY LIPS GO TO HELL GAY MOTHER FUCKER
(I am reading your lips. Because i have magic seeing through phoneline powers. Oooooh. Aaaaaah.)
ShOrTwOmAn98: BYE
bitchyrightnow: tata
ShOrTwOmAn98: GO FUCK YOUR SELF
ShOrTwOmAn98: BASTER
ShOrTwOmAn98: BASTERD
ShOrTwOmAn98: BASTERD,BASTERXD
(Bastard.)
ShOrTwOmAn98: TERD EATER
ShOrTwOmAn98: blocking u fucker


Auto response from bitchyrightnow: metalmilitia2087: i always go to get a new one and end up walkin into the testicle store and gettin one and then lookin like a retart cause i have a ball in my eye...then everyone called me tea bag eye

(4 hours later)
bitchyrightnow: HeY dOooD!!11
bitchyrightnow: whats up short stuff?
ShOrTwOmAn98: nottin
ShOrTwOmAn98 signed off at 9:23:33 PM.
posted by laurie  # 9:48:00 PM

Friday, April 09, 2004

OMG liek iam so0o0o0o sory ='< 

Omg, kurt cobainy is like my alltime homie-g. I am sorry if my itching to act upon freedom of speech has interupted you're ability to think rationally, fuckheads. Next time i promise not to break into your house, duck tape you to your chair, go to my website, hold your eyes open clockwork orange style, and force you to read my raving ignorance. I swear. It will never happen again.
posted by laurie  # 3:48:00 PM

Monday, April 05, 2004

Kurt Cobain died ten years ago today and i still dont care. 

If i hear one more person whine at me today about the anniversary of some scum bag's suicide i'm going to hold a mass Nirvana fan carnage. All he did was write some shitty music that no one can even decipher. Look i can be a 'genius' too-Wha wha wha wha. Argabar my pain is blaum my parents agrhph rape me. -Wow look at that. Now you can worship me.
Things i'd rather do than listen to Kurt Cobain make a mockary of the musical arts:
1. Watch Bravo.
2. Feed old people.
3. Lick Sheryl Crow's mole.
4. Shop at chico's.
posted by laurie  # 11:01:00 PM

Sunday, April 04, 2004

More flash... 

THE END OF THE WORLD, HAHAHAHA. YEAH ITS FUNNY.
posted by laurie  # 12:48:00 PM

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Were you deprived of oxygen during birth? 

Jesus christ, how is it that you people are convinced you can make a detailed analysis of my personality just by reading a few of my jokes? The things i say might be rude, but they're funny. No ones gonna wanna read about how much I looove this and that. I bet no ones even reading this. Thats the point. Tell me... how many people read your weblog? No no, tell me... who cares? NOBODY. But what i do is- get people to care. I actually get a reaction and its the best kind of reaction there is- anger. I fucking love it, I feed off of it.
People criticize every little thing that i do to try and make me feel like a hypocrite. Yeah uh, thank you Super-Team Obvious. Thats the point. Find something better to do with your time, like licking my balls. I mean its just a fucking weblog, its not that important. Wow, get a fucking life.
It's just jokes.
posted by laurie  # 3:41:00 PM

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Real women have curves. Yeah real FAT women, fucking lardass. 

(And this means you half of my reader audience.)
Today while i was skiming through the Time, which is noteably written by a group of people with the personality of a window pane, i came across a peice on the obesity epidemic. It stated that "... rich diets and sedentary lifestyles led to 400,000 deaths in 2000, just behind the nations no.1 cause of preventable deaths: tabacco (435,000)." Thats about it. Take note this article was on the second to the last page and measures 1" wide by 4" length-wise. Way to go Time. Pussying down to your readers because a large majority of them are old and fat. Heres an idea- wipe the mayo of your obnoxious excuse for a child, pop 'em in the pathfinder, find your way to chucky cheeses, maybe eat some pizza, go in the play den, AND GRAB YOURSELF SOME BALLS JACKHOLE. Give it to them proper. Fatties are constantly making excuses. Being obese is neither healthy nor sexy. Thats like saying its natural to have a unibrow because you're too lazy to get it waxed. No you're just fat and lazy. People complain at me like i make them tubs of lard they come to be. Jesus christ, all i do is eat healthy its not rocket science. Fuck.
posted by laurie  # 9:12:00 PM

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

To those STUPID FUCKS on A FRIDAY NIGHT... 

It happened I believe on a Friday night. I, a fourteen year old
chick, was on my way to the corner store when it happened. Well,
I had my Subway in hand while I waited for the light to
change at a intersection at like eleven at night. It wasn't like I was dressing slutty; I had what, fucking
flip-flops, capris, and a damn hoodie.

Anyways, there was some idiot assholes who happened to
scream at me. "HEY BABY, I GOT A TWELVE INCH YOU CAN CHOKE ON." and
the other. "I'LL COME AND EAT YOU FRESH."
I gave them a raised eyebrow and gave them the finger: "IS THAT
THE FINGER YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY TOO, CALL ME!" And, when I did cross the street
I was commented on my 'Ghetto Fab Ass'.

Like honestly, WTF? Do you know how stupid you sounded? Your fucking Civic
low rider -- with $20 rims, and shit for a spoiler. To those pricks, cuddle up with
Hustler with your buddies or spend your night playing video games. Better yet, get out of the car and throw yourself
at traffic. You have no substance and should honestly die.


-- Jolisa.

(I feel ya nigga.)
posted by laurie  # 11:35:00 PM

Monday, March 29, 2004

Dude, like, my brother rocks. 

My brother went to Skateopia like forever ago. And his car lit on fire and rolled down a hill while he was in it or something along those lines. And it was like cool and stuff. And that link has a picture of the car.
posted by laurie  # 6:29:00 PM

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Monotonous crowd with Colin Quinn. AGH. 

Colin Quinn really does blow. His humor isn't just dry, its like sandpaper to my clit. "Ugh.. If..If.. Osama Lin Bada... Bin Ladan was in cave.. yeah... ha.. haha.. *cough*" YOU'RE FUNNY MAN. MY SIDES ARE SPLITING- SPEWING RAINBOWS AND FAIRIES OF LAUGHTER. MUAHAHHAHAHA. His show has been on way too long. I propose we make an amendment to the constitution "The right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (except for Colin Quinn, because he's fucking stupid)." Wow, im so smart. I should be like a senator. Wahoo! Laurie for state!
posted by laurie  # 3:04:00 PM

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Women suck too. 

And its funny.
posted by laurie  # 7:32:00 PM

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Why does Jamie Foxx look so constipated? 

He looks like he's shittin a cow. Seriously, have you ever seen one of his movies? He's either humping something or has shit hanging out of his hair. He fucks up everything he tries to do. No wait, how exactly can a comedian fuck up singing acapello in a slow rap jam. That's a recipe for sucess. God he's stupid. I can equivalate his IQ score just by looking at him- his order at McDonalds #9 plus the number of chicks his slammin gigs pull in, 0. Thats 9, yes 9, not just retarted but nearly a vegetable. Another idiot savant added to the list. Society is an embarrasment.
posted by laurie  # 6:41:00 PM

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

HEY MEN, I CAN SMELL YOUR VAGINAS FROM HERE 

THATS IT. I am so fucking sick of the subordinate species. All my life i thought that women were the more complex, emotional of the sexes. But no, men are just as much vaginas as we are. They have more issues than the Iraqi nation.
Exhibit A: Cryin' Ryan. One of my best friend's ex-boyfriends. This Kurt Cobain clone reject has done every annoying thing a boyfriend can possibly do. Kurt Cobain is dead, get over it you pathetic waste. Anyways -
1.) Mope around and "test" to to see if his girlfriend will comfort him.
2.) Write poetry. AGH.
3.) Attempt suicide. And fail. Real cool sad boy.
4.) Blame said friend for breaking his heart. YOUR 14, GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND PLAY WITH YOUR POKEMON CARDS. DIRT BAG.
Exhibit B: Pedophiliamania. Everyone from 21-35 seems to think hitting on a 17 year old girl via internet is appropriate. And if you reject them- youre just another shallow bitch. Here's a list of why i dont want to meet strange adults from over the internet. I know i know, it seems i might just be over safeguarding myself because how unsafe can that really be?
1.) This doesnt seem to phase most men but- I H A V E A B O Y F R I E N D. Jesus fucking christ.
2.) The fact that you're over the age of 21 and hitting on a 17 year old girl doesnt make you look all that desired. Lets rephrase that- YOU'RE A LOSER.
3.) You're meeting girls over the internet. Lets once again rephrase that- YOU'RE A LOSER.
4.) There's a chance you might lock me in your motel room, tie me up, and video tape yourself getting off of slicing my face off. Not so much fun for me.
Exhibit C: Basically the male sex just kind of stinks.
1.) Literally, they smell.
2.) Its not a thrid leg, its a penis. It's NO where near big enough to be a 3rd leg.
3.) Men suck.
4.) Theres more women then there are men on earth. You wanna know why? Because were better at not getting ourselves killed. Because we're more awesome.

posted by laurie  # 8:41:00 PM

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Restraining order. Please. 

You wanna see a pic of me? Here ya go you creepy fucks. My picture. Ok ok shut up, this is my real one.
posted by laurie  # 4:36:00 PM

Monday, March 22, 2004

A conversation with Sean Paul 

I love Sean Paul but i never know what the fuck hes talking about. I always wondered if i had a conversation with him if i would understand anything he says to me.
Laurie: So glad to have you here!
SeanPaul: Awudda yaaah.

Laurie: Yes, exactly my sentiments.
SeanPaul: Hati-ani-ani-ah.

Laurie: Yeah ok, wtf is wrong with you?
SeanPaul: Whata man gotta do? Whatta man gotta dooooo?

Laurie: Ok fuck it. You're an idiot.
SeanPaul: Ah blingy ahmasexme ooh.
posted by laurie  # 5:24:00 PM

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Acheive financial success! For only 90 payments of 19.99! Yeah, assholes, of course that makes sense. 

You know those anthony robbins self inspiration infomercials? Yeah, me neither. Well theres this guy, who freakishly resembles a crossbreed of andre the giant (like his hands are almost as big as my ego, whoa) and Inigo Montoya (My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die). Maybe hes a love child. My name is Anthony Robbins, you had gay sex with my father, prepare to explain how a child was concieved. Anyways, this guy is crazy. He sells these self help cd's and dvd's that promise to make you a better and stronger person just by changing the way you think. So basically its a legal form of mind control. Oh yeah of course, when i try to sell mind control devices its all "illeagal" this and "federal offense" that. Fuckers. Well my brother bought some of this stuff. And its just too hilarious to hear through this supposed bad ass mother fucker's door "You can do it! Believe in yourself!" HAHA. "Say it with me.. i believe in myself! I can do it!" Aw man, i love you Mike. You're the shit. Say it with me... you're the shit! Heehe.
posted by laurie  # 2:34:00 PM

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

The only thing you're sucking is my cock you gothic ignoramous. 

Today i started High Focus again so i thought i'd kick it back old school and make fun of a goth. One i met there by chance. I wont name names, but lets just say her name starts with a K and ends with rista (and i believe she lives somewhere in northern new jersey if a beating may happen to occur, not that i condone something like that). Well, omg this is just too funny. When i first met her she told someone they looked like an uncircumcised penis, so naturally i befriended her. Even though she dressed all in black and believed she was the spawn of satan or something i dunno i really didnt care what she had to say. Ew. A couple days into crazy school she finds a sharp object in the building to sustain "self-mutilation". Being the naturally reserved, socially bigoted person she is; she shows off her wound to people she thinks actually care or something sad like that. Desperate call for help? No. Desperate call for petty attention? Bingo. Well anyways, what i really wanted to talk about was what this stupid fuck has been doing lately. Get this (omg you're not even going to believe this)- she has joined a club of some sort where they think they are vampires. No seriously, im not joking. This is no laughing matter. HAHAHAH YES IT IS. But neways, they cut themselves and then drink eachothers blood. Yeah wtf, i know. I fell off my throne laughing at that one. Oh what a day. The cynic lords have blessed me.
posted by laurie  # 6:32:00 PM

Sunday, March 07, 2004

I'm back, bitch! 

Hey fuckers! Yep, im back. I was only in the loony bin for 4 days. I saw a number of things. None of them interesting. I said some lard ass sounded like a beached whale. That was the most exciting thing to happen. And the next day he was walking around in his underwear and a blanket and i yelled, quote, "Someone get that whale back in the water, quick." Yeah, guess you had to be there. I wish i had interesting stories about it. I should have taken my boyfriends advice and pretended i thought i was napoleon. That would have been fucking hilarious.
posted by laurie  # 9:07:00 PM

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Fuck 

Yeah so lately ive been pretty weird. I ask myself why. Is it the new layout? Maybe the comment system has opened up my mind to new ideas a little? Why, why am i so on edge? Hmmmm... i ponder. You know what, i think its because IM GOING BACK TO THE FUCKING MENTAL HOSPITAL SOON. There might be a short break in scheduled programming, but no worries because technical difficulties cant keep down a true bitch. Fuck you brain, im not fucking crazy. Fuckers.
posted by laurie  # 11:07:00 PM

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Dirty internet whore: a how to guide. 

Is your IQ lower than your cats'? DO you find yourself yearning for the approval of your fellow wal-mart employees? Are any of the following words appealing to you: word, gurl, naw? You might just be a slut bag ho!
Screen name: The first thing you should do is take a perfectly acceptable handle given to you by your parents and butcher the fuck out of it. For example: Vanessa- Nessy. Incorporate this deviation into your screen name, ex: NessyAnGeLbAbAy51287. Not only does this radiate class, but it shows off your impeciable use of lingustic skills harbored in your fine educational upbringing.
Icons and information: Now that you have a screen name you need a "slammin" icon. None other than the impudent dolls with catchy quips such as "naw, 2 good 4 u". The depection is just so life like, you're 5'3 and weigh 90 lbs and dont have a disgusting case of roseacia too!. Make sure shes wearing a baby blue slipdress and 4 inch tall flipflops. Because thats what all the hot sluts are wearing.
In you're profile dont forget to "holla" at your homies and leave your signature "NeSsA + rAuL 4 eVa!!!11!". Everybody loves to keep track of how many days there is left until you're 18 and are gonna get "waaaiizted!!"
Your sexuality: One word- ambiguos.
Tell all your friends how Raul fucked you in the back of his honda civic behind the 711 while listening to usher. You go girl.
Cyber orgies are never out of the question. Caress me lower and lower, oh yeah baby. Thats real hot.
Online Journal: This is the most vital peice of online wenching. Online journals allow you to inform everyone of what christina aguilera song you're listening to. You should write about everything you did that day, from breaking you're scrunchie (='<) to eating that whopper (cuz ur sooo fat!!1! hehe!).
The chances of anyone reading your bullshit is 1 in 100,000. The chances of anyone caring is -1 in 120,000,000. Wow, thats more attention than you ever got as an average, mediocre, overweight preteen. You're movin on up. To the loose side. To a deluxe abortion, in an alley.
posted by laurie  # 9:11:00 PM

Friday, February 20, 2004

Country Crafts make me want to throw up all the apple juice you just gave me, mom 

I am so fucking sick of all that "kountry craft" bullshit. It really is nauseating. With the cows and the ugly fat ladies- last time i checked cows and old obese women weren't all the rage in interior decoration. All these soccer moms in crocheted sweater vests buying their horribly ADHD problematic children fruit snacks at the supermarket. Don't foget to pick up some calcium supplements, you stupid tit. You're a educated 40 year old woman, FUCKING HELL WHY CANT YOU SPELL COUNTRY RIGHT?! Did you know the most famous country crafts website is in my name?!?!!?!?!? Thats right LAURIE! If this isnt a a demonic coincidence i dont know what is!
posted by laurie  # 5:26:00 PM

WHY LORD WHYYYYYY 

Sometimes my writing sounds a lot like its ripped off ffrom maddox. Which makes me feel like a degenerate moron who's success can only be acquired by the mimicing of another's genius. I could never compare to this god of cynics. But fuck it (butt fuck it HA). I couldnt really give a flying fuck, i like to write and sometimes i get inspired by something he writes about. Whatever.
posted by laurie  # 1:06:00 PM

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

The first ever annual Degenerates of America awards (Celebrity edition) 

Well whatever, lets get back to normal now since the blood has started drizzling from my uterus clearing my mind of insufficient juvenile thoughts. My list ugly celebrities has risen to an all time high. So lets get on with the show. Maybe someone will win a microwave, or a beating to the head with baseball bats. Who knows.
Nominees for Celebrity with the most Nauseating Mole
Sarah Jessica Parker:What is her deal? She's not sexy. She looks like my grandmother... in a smock... with a piece of poo on her face.
Ewan McGregor: I couldnt pay attention during Moulin Rouge because of that monstrosity on his forehead. No wait, i couldnt pay attention during Moulin Rouge because it SUCKED ASS.
Sheryl Crow: The first cut is the deepest? No, the first cut should be that abnormal growth on you're face.
Matt Damon: He's got bits of ugly all over that skin suit. Eeewwwwwww.

Nominees for the Most Irritating Homo
Cojo: I bet he wears more women's underwear than i do. And i have a vagina.
Fab 5: Five minutes to fabulous? More like five minutes till i beat their heads in with a golf club.
Clay Aiken: Just come out of the closet before it kicks you the fuck out. Ugly motherfucker.
Siegfried and Roy: Remember when one of these things got their face eaten by a tiger? That was like the greatest moment of my life.

Nominees for Dumbest Slut
Ashton Kutcher: She really pisses me off. Everything about her. And trucker hats were cool the first 600 times she wore them, but um not anymore fuckface.
Cameron Diaz: I swear to god whenever she steps in a room everyones IQ level drops at least 40 points.
Lil Kim: Jesus Christ, shes one huge mass of idiot.
Keanu Reeves: Haha, that reminds me of this joke i made up. I swear i made this up. If you dont believe me you can eat my shit for 3 straight days with a spoon for all i care. Well here goes... whats the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken! Muahahhaha. Oh gee.

Nominees for Shitwipes across America
Dennis Miller: He's not funny. He's just a dirty old man, touching little boys. I think, i really know nothing about him.
Tarkvinius: You are such a deusch bag and a horrible person. But thats what places you in that tender spot in my heart.
Naomi Campbell: Bitch with tude. I'd like to throw a tampon at her face. I think that would be funny as hell. Dont you?
David Schwimmer: I dont know why but he pisses me off more than that Ashton Kutcher girl.

Well cast your votes boys and girls!
posted by laurie  # 10:08:00 PM

Thursday, February 12, 2004

OMG YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID 

I'm so angry with everyone. I shouldnt have to put up disclaimers explaining that this website is a joke. Fuck you if you're too pansy assed to laugh at unfortunate losers such as yourselves. IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. If you're really my friend, i dont have to explain myself to you. So piss off.
posted by laurie  # 3:33:00 PM

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

This is the last time im explaining myself to you fools 

Alright, i'll admit, i say stupid shit thats nasty and degrading. I dont know what anyone wants me to tell them. You want me to admit im wrong? You want me to include everybody like a big fucking happy family of weblogs?! Well im not going to. You see this is what makes life wonderful, the fact that people can interact and discuss their different views on worldy issues. I appreciate every nasty email i get and every insult flung at me from the pompous ass of apes. Because this is what makes the world go round. You can yell at me and call me a hypocritic asshole but its not really gonna get you any where with me. Or maybe you can explain to me your point of view on things and open up a broader reach of discussion. Contrary to popular belief, I too am a reasonable human being. So in conclusion... if you have something to tell me go ahead an send me an angry email- but just like i dont expect everyone to think like me, dont get angry if i dont think like you. Im a crazy pubescent bitch and im more reasonable than you are, shit heads. It's sad.
posted by laurie  # 2:15:00 PM

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Fuck You 

Why does everyone get so offended about my writing? The beauty of it is that i dont accept anyone and everyone is libel to be poked and proded. Its all in good fun. I at many times make fun of myself, because god damnit im a loser and we all know that. I'm not gonna make a list about who's to touchy to make fun of and who can withstand a little bullshit. I dont insult people on their personal characature, i insult them on gay ass decisions they make. Seriously, everyone can just go fuck themselves. Now stop iming me, blocking me, changing your sn, trying to harass me, and any other lame attempt at revenge. It doesnt make you cool and it doesnt make me care.
posted by laurie  # 11:54:00 PM

You've opened my eyes, oh pompous one 

cococoveredrazor: you must be the utmost selfish, arogant and bogus person i have ever known. YOU do not deserve the name bitch, for that is an over used, understatement of the actual cruel, and sick person you are. you have no brains, nothing! ha. you actually think your writing is worthy of paise>?>> HA! your writing is terrible , mainstream, and the same as so many other little narrow minded teenagers. you, again, are sick. termenally screwed in the brain, if your mom is as bitchy as she ay, you have the mere sickness as she does. a spittiong image

I'm just like every other mainstream idiot out there?!?! OMG, thanks for informing me you fucktard. I AM a sick twisted individual- poking fun at people who think theyre vampires, the mass murder of most of europe's jewish population, 100's of years of repression! YEAH, ALL ME!! Right?!
And one last thing, if you really need to sink as low as insulting my mother, whom you have no prior knowledge of her being, then it is obvious you have no arguement here. Well, at least i can rest assured my mother doesnt sell herself on the streets to pay for her daughters 12 back alley abortions a month. I guess mine just never cared that much... *tear*.
posted by laurie  # 6:08:00 PM

You're lucky i'm alive, assholes 

So.. Hill and I are walking around the bridgewater mall, making fun of the garbage clothes in American Eagle (i mean c'mon, what the fuck is wrong with them lately?) and staring into shop window reflections while reveling in our beauty. Shit, were gorgeous. Anyways, a normal sunday afternoon right? Next thing i know im waking up, bloods dripping from my head, and a flock of penguins is standing around me. WTF?! I thought maybe an assassination attempt was made, wouldnt be a first. But no, i felt different. Men put gauze around my head like wounded civil war hero. I looked like an asshole. They couldnt even give an eyepatch and a parrot to PRETEND something worthy of a crowd and an ambulance had happened. Well it ended up being a seizure. Now i can officially ride the short bus and carry my jurassic park lunchbox. No more lies! I didnt even have any cool seizure side effects like pissing my pants. Not to mention i had another one a couple hours later... and still no pissing.
posted by laurie  # 11:29:00 AM

Monday, February 09, 2004

Lessons from a master... 

Backstory
There are three critical elements that one must understand before being able to read the story with any sort of understanding. Because you (the readers) are probably stupid, I’ll break it down for you.
The losers
Every story has its antagonists, and in this case, we have two.
The first is this one “girl” that is in several of my classes. She is horribly psuedo-intellectual and most people hate her. In fact, I hear she has her own strain of herpes. The phrase “Goddamn I hate (name removed for protection of the loserly)!” has entered common usage. We shall refer to her as the Whore.
The second is a fat gothic kid that sits with her at lunch. Read: the ONLY person who sits with her at lunch, other than that 80lb schizo that sits there, but no one really considers him to be a person. All the freaking time, he wears these bondage pants, or camo pants. Did I mention that he’s fat? Oh, I did. Well, I’ll repeat it: He’s fat. He also does lots of drugs, and has a bad temper, and absolutely NO commons sense (as you will see). We shall refer to him as Fatty.

My “friends”
Basically the dudes I sit next to at lunch. These guys aren’t exactly the type I would look for a deep friendship in, if you know what I mean. But, damn, are they ever hilarious. Sometimes they throw food at the losers’ table. That’s pretty funny. I usually stay out of the food throwing, only because I usually like to keep my stunts rare and spectacular (as you will see)

Me.
I’m not what you would call a normal person. I am not a goth, though, so thank heaven for small favors. I’m a pretty well known, and, as far as I know, well liked person. Of course, I have a lot of enemies, but these are usually stupid gothic kids or psuedo-intellectual nerds. Oh, yeah, and the band geeks, they hate me, too. Probably for good reasons. On the other hand, among normal people, things are different. Random people know my name, I don’t know theirs, they introduce me to more random people, they’ll wave at me in the halls and try to talk to me, it’s all good. In other words, whenever conflicts break out between me and some idiot, I’m usually the one with the crowd support.

My Account Concerning the Events of 2/6/2004

I must admit, I do have an affinity for being an asshole. It shows. Quite often, too. On that Friday afternoon on the 6th of February, I was in a jerk-y mood and my head was percolating with evil thoughts. That stupid Fatty and Whore were starting to get on my nerves. I had already called out Fatty the previous day for wearing the same UFO raver pants two days in a row. He had responded with “Blow me.” Oh, that’s nice, you get that line from Uncle Lester, fun-boy? Loser. Way to make yourself look like a flaming homo. (Note: I have nothing against homos. People just tend to be such homophobes that I cannot help but use it against them.)
On Friday’s lunch break, however, I decided to have some amusement at Fatty’s expense. I had aquired a tampon and stuffed my pockets full of ketchup packets that lunch period (no pun intended, heh). I walked over to my table and put the tampon (it was a Pearl) on the table. My table was taken aback. Then, I dropped a handful of ketchup packets and grinned as my plan dawned upon the guys. I had pulled this sort of thing before, on the band geek table. I began eating my lunch and finally polished off two chicken sandwiches when I decided that it would be a perfect opportunity to strike. When one of our number saw that I was ready to move, he quickly left. His loss (Note: PUSSY!).
I, however, was undaunted. I quickly removed the tampon from its container and smeared ketchup all over it. It looked somewhat like what one would expect a tampon covered in blood and mucus should, but I had never seen a used tampon. I stood up and threw the tampon at Fatty, and sat back down, hoping that my projectile would hit its mark. It didn’t.
Instead, it had hit Whore in the back and splattered ketchup all over her jacket. Looking back, I sort of hoped that it had been made out of silk or suede or something, but she was probably too poor to afford anything but crap. I guess she must have still been upset though. It’s okay, though, she probably found the perfect Linkin Park song to tell her what she was feeling (Note: Also, nothing against LP. I have 2 of their CDs. It seems to me that a lot of losers worship them religiously, however.) At any rate, the whole situation quickly turned into a food fight. It was all fun and games until a piece of bread hit me in the head. It had been thrown by none other than Whore. I was… agitated.
I stood up and began marching over to their table. Whore stood up defiantly and did that trashy throw-your-hands-up-to-show-that-you-are-ready-to-throw-down thingie, proclaiming to me, “Come on, you think I’m afraid of you?”
I would not hit a girl, even one of questionable femininity, of course. Not impressed in the least by her show of attitude, I adamantly pointed a finger toward the door and commended, “Get the hell out of here, and take your syphilis with you!”
A few people were starting to notice the conflict brewing, and I thus got a round of laughter and applause from nearby tables (they also hated the whore). As I walked back to my table, though, Fatty tried to speak in the defence of Whore, “Go choke on a cock!”
I paused.
Blinked.
Turned around.
“Excuse me, chuckles?”
“I’ll kick your ass!” he threatened.
Without trying to brag, again, this statement sounded absolutely rediculous coming from this 300lb gothic clad in urban camo pants, directed toward me. I didn’t feel threatened at all. Hell, I didn’t even go into “Code Yellow.” For once, I felt absolutely no need to back myself up. The ever growing crowd of spectators could see the humour without me having to make the obvious joke. However, being an attention whore, I did so anyway.
“Oh no! Someone save me!” I cried in mock fright. “The Pillsbury Commando is going to kick my ass!”
By this time, about two or three lunch tables were watching. The entire place erupted in laughter, serving only to expand the audience (and my ego). Fatty probably felt really stupid right about then. He just sort of stood there while everyone laughed at him, his face growing redder with ebarrasment/rage. Just then, a milk carton hit him in the head. He turned around to start threatening the thrower of the bottle. It just happened to be a freshman. A freshman on the football team. A very muscular freshman. A freshman who was also one of my friends. You could almost smell the trouble brewing.
Not wanting to miss an opportunity to make fun of Fatty even more, I ambled over to Fatty and pointed to my friend, informing Fatty, “Don’t mess with that guy. He will kill you.”
Fatty retorted with, “Oh he will, huh?”
“Yeah, he will. Easily. I could. Also quite easily. So just sit your ass down.”
The cool part about this is that, what with the whole crowd pretty much on my side (save for the band geeks, who probably wanted me dead, right then), it could be interpreted as me trying to stop the fight. Guess what? That was the story every single person told the Principals, other than, of course, the gothics. Fatty, not being one to grasp the concept of ‘don’t antagonize people who are much fitter and stronger than you,’ began to pressure me into a fight.
“C’mon, bitch!” he said. “Let’s go! Right now, let’s go!”
Poor Fatty. He probably mistook the crowd’s cries for blood as cheering for him. He began getting even more an more belligerent. At this point the crowd was becoming quite loud. I turned around to see just what the hell was going on. What I saw was, frankly, a bit unnerving. The entire cafeteria, easily 600+ people, standing up and clamoring for blood. Holy. Freaking. Crap.
I’m not a complete idiot. I know inevitable trouble when I see it. And this crowd of bloodthirsty idiots was certainly a big sign. I was absolutely stunned, and quite confused. I knew that now there was no way out. There was no hope of queiting the crowd. Administrators were certainly on their way. All because of Fatty. It’s amazing what lengths some people will go to for approval.
I turned around and surveyed the scene. What were my options? I could fight Fatty. That might kill his fragile self, though, and I would get suspended or something. I could run, but then my reputation would be shattered. Suddenly, I thought of a plan. I did the most pragmatic thing I could have done: I sat down.
I sat down in a chair and acted nonchalant as Administrators arrived on the scene. I still got taken away, of course, as Fatty pointed me out to the Admins with all of the tact of a preschool tattletale. The Whore helped, too. “There. That guy. He was throwin’ food. And those are his friends, they were throwing food, too. We wasn’t doin nothin, I swear!”
My plan wasn’t a faliure though. By sitting down, I had assumed a passive stance. This way, I could totally back up my “I was only trying to stop the fight” alibi. Man, it must suck to not be born as brilliant as me. At any rate, we were quickly whisked to the interrogation room as an Administrator began to question us. Along with me, Fatty, and Whore, there was also the freshie that Fatty tried to fight, as well as two witnesses. Naturally, the witnesses were on my side and adamantly backed my side of the story, repeating that I was only trying to stop the fight. To make matters even more awesome, the Whore revealed that I had thrown a tampon covered in ketchup at her.
WHAT AN IDIOT!
First off, the Administrators didn’t believe her. When she said tampon, I put on my best “surprised face.” The Admin asked me if I normally carried tampons. “Who do you think I am?” I replied. They dismissed the charge. The Whore produced evidence, though: a jacket with ketchup stains. But the freshman and the witnesses masterfully rebuked her statement with numerous possibilities of how she could have gotten that stain. The result was that the only thing I was charged with was “Profane Language.” I totally dodged that bullet and I didn’t even have to open my mouth! Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.
At any rate, in the aftermath, I was given 2 days of in school suspension (ISS), however, I had given the school fake phone numbers to begin with, so they couldn’t reach my parents. Foresight is a neccessity when you’re a proffessional asshole. The freshman got the same punishment. We’re even in the same room on the same day. It can’t be too bad. The Whore only got one day, but, as I said, she is really dumb. According to reports, she was talking to her parents on her cell phone after school and told them about the ISS. Witnesses claim that the person on the other line was screaming at her and she was crying her herpes infested eyes out. Fatty got 3 days ISS, and his loser stepdad and Waffle-House waitress mom are probably beating him as we speak. That is, if they are sober enough to coordinate a strike. Drunk people are funny, poor people are funny, but when you add the two together—
So, I got off relatively scot-free. The best part is, I started the whole thing with that damn tampon. This is how you screw people over, Tark-jitsu style.

Tarkvinius (AIM Contact: Tarkvinius)

Epilogue: It’ll be interesting to see how the isolation plays out. Will he try to start a fight with me again? Probably. Won’t it be hilarious when he finds out that I know Fairbairne-Sykes Streetfighting? Damn, I hate gothics.
(^this is NOT me you fucking imbreds, yell at Tark if this gets you angry and leave me the fuck alone)
posted by laurie  # 8:59:00 PM

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Undeniable factual evidence that the Jackson family is from outside fucking space 

1. Janet's nipple is a torque device that is launched to catch small children that she wraps in flem and saves for the winter.
2. Micheal's epidermis changes amazed the unbenounced doctors and medical professionals all over the world. It because he's turning into the Queen anthrpod. Dont believe me? take a look at this picturegraph that i traveled in time to 2030 for. Or as they call it "Watdaheelshedoinhereneways". Yeah, it doesnt matter if you're black or white cause hes gonna eat your leg anyway.
3. How come there's 17 children in that family? I'll tell you- aliens give birth to at least 7 in a litter. Yeah, i know for a fact. You just wait and see. When you come crying to me "oh oh laurie help me, they laid eggs in my brain!!" I'll be all like "Cant help you there, what do i look like? A brain surgeon?" And we'll share a good laugh. Ha.
4. "ABC... as easy as 123"?!?!?! More like "ABC... i am reading your thoughts and planning your demise 123"!!!! Yeah, uhuh. Pretty messed up if you ask me.
posted by laurie  # 6:08:00 PM

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Rock out with my cock out 

So, i went to a concert this weekend. With my friends. A pennywise concert. At starland ballroom.
I feel the need to explain my experiences. Because they were funny. Just read it. Will you stop, im so sick of your crap. Just shut the fuck up already and read. God damnit.
First off id rather spend endless years in a containment chamber listening to hanson than listening to the bullshit of pennywise. The award for the band with the biggest balls goes to Guttermouth (and yes, they get a trophy... and a cookie). They're fucking awesome.
I think one of the most traumatizing experiences for a young girl would be a fat man... with no shirt on... searching for his glasses... in a mosh pit. It makes me wonder how someone would let this happen, does no one care?!? Am I alone!?! I wonder where those glasses ended up? Not in my bag or anything. Whatever, the point is I dont want to see it again.
posted by laurie  # 12:34:00 PM

Friday, January 30, 2004

I'm done arent i... 

WOW. It just like... there are no words to explain its magnimosity.... oh god i think my mission on earth is complete.
posted by laurie  # 8:28:00 PM

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Talk to me bitch 

Ooook... Just added a comment thingy. Yeahhh... kinda computer illiterate but i try. Thanks drex you're a doll. Ew did i just say doll? Im very sorry.

posted by laurie  # 10:33:00 PM

Monday, January 26, 2004

You're an idiot because you think your unique 

Ok, if you really believe in something you shouldnt feel the need to explain yourself to anyone- like this loser. And if you truly believe that punk is a sense of style and music, you're a fucking degenerate idiot. God, i fucking hate you. Anyone with at least an elementary school education knows that punk was much more of a movement than a bunch of mohawks, peircings, and people screamin crap into microphones. You like the sex pistols? Well they were a corporate machine you idiot. Exactly the opposite of what the "punk" revolution was about. A band like Crass had the balls to put their money and fame into the movement, rather than a bunch of safety pins. I mean, c'mon, wtf is up with the safety pins? Unless you're pinning on a peice of paper that says "Heylo, my naimes todd" and get on your tart cart, just dont do it. Only retards are allowed to get away with this shit. Ok but anyways, as i was saying. Stop repremanding others about not being punk enough because not only are Good Charlotte and Simple Plan posers but so are Alkaline Trio, Thursday, NOFX, The Misfits, Bouncing Souls, AFI (GOD IM SO FUCKING SICK OF THEM), and any other redundant bullshit names of "punk" bands. Wow, you're so stupid.



posted by laurie  # 2:20:00 PM

Thursday, January 22, 2004

How much do you suck? 

I was sick of those pansy ass "what kind of inner light is your fairie?!?!1?!" quizes on quizilla. So i made this one. The graphics suck but you know what, you can suck on my balls
How much do you suck?
posted by laurie  # 9:16:00 PM

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Hey fucker... 

Dear Pam,
Not only are you fat... you're stupid. Not really a winning combination. You actually thought someone saw that pic and thought to themselves "hot damn!" WRONG. No one would even think "Wow, shes fat. I bet she has a great personality." And what is this about art shows? What art shows? You can't even draw, let alone have any finer knowledge of the artististic world. Who's the poser now, you fucking hypocrite. You say you hate labels, yet you use them like their the only symbols of diversitation you seem to entrust. When you call yourself "emo" you are in turn labeling others as "not emo" which would make the not emos have no choice but to label you as emo. I see how this cycle is convienent for you. You like being labeled, it makes you feel special in this little world where you're a degenerate and an outcast. Grow the fuck up. One word of advice fatty, dont fuck with my friends.
Love,
"Zach"

haha. its just so funny cause you're stupid
posted by laurie  # 9:31:00 PM

Friday, January 16, 2004

Love me 

You know what, I might be a souless demon hell-child but i still have ovaries. Im a hopeless romantic, if you consider hopeless romantics as clinically insane and turbulently disturbed. All i really want is someone who likes me for those little things that make me who i am. Like my hateful writing, or the way i throw my hair up in a pencil when im scattered and hectic. Omg, im in love with myself.
posted by laurie  # 12:22:00 PM

Monday, January 12, 2004

Love my MAC 

I wear my glasses because it expresses my individuality.
I subscribe to outdoor magazine and drive an SUV.
I work at the Banana Republic.
I drink lattes at the starbucks while writing entries for my online journal on my laptop.
I have witty banter with cute girls that work at the Gap.
I love photography, its my most influential creative outlet.
I don't ever write without perfect grammar and punctuation. (C'mon. I mean, how old are we here? *rolls eyes*)
I have a bachelors degree from MFR University Poly Tech in Journalism.
I am a MAC user.
switch to mac
posted by laurie  # 7:49:00 PM

Friday, January 09, 2004

Im gonna be famous 

When i write my papers, its understood that i have a small bit of creative spin. Otherwise what would be the point of writing it. It would be boring not only for me to write but boring for anyone to read. But, some people don't like this. You might ponder... "but why, why should a term paper be an interesting read? Isnt term paper greek for oh my god i think i might kill myself with boredom?" Well honey, I guess you're right. Because apparently having writing skills and intelligence isnt what learning is about! Oh, silly me! Hey assholes, one day im gonna be a famous writer. An author, maybe a critic, or a journalist. And who will i have to thank for it? Oh yeah thats right, ME and MY inspiration and support to MYSELF. So what if my opinions are gutsy? I have bigger balls than 90% of the male population. But dont worry, ill let you lick them for 2 bucks an hour. Which is more than your're making at your mindless, dead end, loser careers of yours anyways. Asswipes.
posted by laurie  # 1:11:00 PM

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Selfish benevolence 

Just because im not a pleasant person or a god-fearing, crazy christian doesnt mean I have no sense of right and wrong. Now when i see certain charitable events held i think to myself... "Only a most benevolent individual would do such acts of kindness." Up until i hear their story.
"We had a happy-go-lucky life full of mini vans and soccer games." Aw, how captivating. "Up until one day when we got an unfortunate call from the doctor." Oh no i cant stand the anticipation. "My son... he has... *tear*... Cancer of the Vagina." "Omg that sucks balls" i think to myself, "I really wish i could do something for him." But wait a sec, oh no, hes not done. He goes on... "That is why we started the adopt a homeless man orginization to raise money for medical research."
Well, um, thats very nice of you but arent you missing an obvious flaw in your act of magnanimity? What about all those children out there who had cancer well before your son was stricken with bad luck? Were you willing to put all of YOUR free time and extra earnings into THEIR medical research? In most cases, probably not. You had to buy your necessities. Like a plasma screen tv, grape juice, and crappy walmart home furnishings. No, you couldn't give two shits. You were probably to busy watching law and order. And anyway, dont you have better things to spend your money on? Like betting on that football pool at your office? Understandable.
This is almost as self-indulgent as people who do acts of kindness because it gives them a free ride to "heaven" or some other sort of refined place they believe their higherbeing will embody their souls. If you think about a hungry kitten and don't feel a wave of tears and a knot in your stomach hit your body then you really are one messed up mother fucker. If you see a homeless man sleeping on a stoop and the sad sight doesnt hurt your heart, then im sorry girlfriend but yous gotsa problem. Uh huh.
posted by laurie  # 8:14:00 PM

Sunday, January 04, 2004

I think ill have the pasta alla poopie... 

So, you wanna go out for dinner? Yeah? Hop in my landrover, and lets roll! Don't forget to bring the DVD because we all know you're children can't entertain themselves for a period of 4 minutes without losing control of all bodily functions!
Lets see... theres the office bar and grill, the stagecoach bar and grill, the steak bar and grill, charlie browns, applebees, chilis.... well my options are tre-mendously varied! However will i decide?!? Chewy steak and vegetables that taste like urine for 25 bucks... or ... or ... the same exact fucking thing! Wahoo! Im goin all out tonight baby. With a side of flat pepsi and stale bread, i dont know why i ever thought my life was complete until these tender moments. OMG, and the waitress! She has so much spunk! Aren't you just darling! Because i cant see right through that smile, you stupid ass. Yeah, now you deserve that 20% tip so you can pay for your grocery store highlights and polyester sweaters from Mandees. Get a fucking real job, like a janitor. Those mother fuckers deserve respect. They eat raw sewage for breakfast and charcoal for lunch. Yeah. Mop, mother fucker, mop.
posted by laurie  # 4:49:00 PM

Saturday, January 03, 2004

Oh baby i like it raw 

RAW
posted by laurie  # 1:24:00 PM

Wednesday, December 31, 2003

HILL-arious 

10 things everyone should know about my Hill-Unit.
1. Dont breath on her milk.
2. She's just like me, better than everyone else.
3. Trust me, she doesnt like you. She only likes me, get over it. Losers.
4. Everything that has ever been anything important starts with P. Ex: pirates, pizza, pcheerleading, pshopping.
5. You should never grace her presence if you plan to speak the words "make love tenderly".
6. One word- Barny Rubble feet
7. She used to be in jail where she got that tattoo on her ass cheek that says "Nickles." Nickles was her "friend". After being kicked out for dealing, she moved to Tuscany to start a lumberjack business. It's all down hill from there.
8. Ketchup + grilled cheese = fun and good times for all!
9. She smells like goldfish, in a good way.
10. Shes funnier than Carrot Top.
posted by laurie  # 7:17:00 PM

Monday, December 29, 2003

I'm better than you 

This god damned weblog host has a list of most recently notice blogs. Let me ask you something, are you people actually reading those? What did i tell you?!?!?! These people are the pathetic maggots of our society!!!! Someone has actually got a bookdeal on his lame ass life. OMG, no ones gonna read that shit. And if they do then I am certain the whole world has gone to a flaming mass inferno of ignrorance hell. If my blog was published it would so hand Mr. Middleageloserwithaweblogabouthiscat's ass to him on a plate, with french fried potatoes. Don't people notice genius when they see it? Wheres my fucking recognization, bitch.
posted by laurie  # 3:45:00 PM

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Damn im a stupid bitch 

So the writers block just ended up being a case of bad burritos. Ba-dum-duh, ill be here all night folks, autographs after the show. Well i decided to take a different spin on hating people. Since you already suck so much anyway (and are soon to become peasants in my dictatorship of Kangaroo Control in the former united states, you pathetic pieces of fecal matter) it don't think i can tell you something you already aren't aware of. How bouts we talk a little about me, and how much i suck. I know what you're thinking, "But Laurie, you're like a freakin god." I know and its true, but everyone has their flaws.
First off lets talk about how I'm incredibly conceited, and you know what its true. I'm an ok person, and hell yeah for me if I wanna think that. Whats so wrong with a little self confidence? Its lame to have low self esteem but its obnoxious to have high self esteem? How does that work, either way you're screwed? Cute, makes sense to me.
Alright i'll admit it, it... it's just ... just so hard to say this....*sobs*. Im a bitch. Oh lord have mercy on my sinning soul. In all actuallity im not a bitch but its fun to pretend i am because it keeps unintelligent people from trying to talk to or have other means of communication with my persons.
Omg, i suck. Laurie kill yourself already, you're more repulsive than a french man singing hip hop in hot topic!
posted by laurie  # 2:42:00 PM

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

I don't eat buffalo either 

I honestly feel bad for Jessica Simpson. So many of you losers mock her for being stupid. How hypocrytical. You're just as stupid as she is. Get over it, you just feel the need to put her down because she has money, fame, and a hot boyfriend. That's all it is, you're jealous. You're an ugly jealous bitch.
posted by laurie  # 1:06:00 PM

Friday, December 19, 2003

Robert Frost is a deusch bag 

Ok. So. Why exactly does every short story ever written between 1850- 1929 take place in the frozen tundra of the klondikes? How many times can you write about a fucking idiot who leaves camp alone and dies because hes to fucking stupid to not fall in a lake? Oh and his dog rescues him, or eats his face, or fucks him in the butt or something. It's all the same. "Lost in a snowstorm", "To build a fire", "Oh shit i forgot to wear socks." It's all the same boring bullshit. Don't you think maybe someone would learn a lesson, maybe? No. Because they're too busy pondering the meaning of life and its beauty while meandering aimlessly through a frosty forest of thought. OMG please die, please i'm begging you.
posted by laurie  # 12:57:00 PM

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Kill yourself already 

I don't think i've ever been angrier in my life. I really can't seem to understand it. How can our generation be so selfish? It just isn't right. There are millions of people out there being tortured, or suffering, or are terminally ill and Mikey McSelfishpatheticpeiceofshit has the audasity to feel bad for himself because daddy doesn't love mommy anymore. Life isn't fair, for any of us. And how exactly is moping around crying into your teddybear going to make life any better for you? They can't see through their thick sheltered life to see how wonderful everything is. We are so gifted to have every second of the day, but it's never good enough for anyone. No one seems to appreciate the very essence of what makes being a human so fucking awesome- our emotions. They don't understand that being able to feel is like a blessing. Some of us don't feel, and i would do anything to make that sinking boredom dissapear. And the only way to do that is to live your life and be grateful for every emotion and feeling that passes your way.
posted by laurie  # 5:52:00 PM

Friday, December 12, 2003

I hope your SUV doesnt flip over while your out on your grocery store safari, asshole 

During the past month i seem to be scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to make fun of. I mean, how many times can you kick a goth in the nuts? Well anyway, what im trying to say is... i really don't like car commercials. No, not at all. Now don't look surprised. I know you're thinking... "But laurie! They have such cute suburban life related jargon like piling lawn mowers and little kids with snot all over their face into an suv! However can this disinterest you!" Maybe it's the 30-somethings driving to a their cubical hell in a camry, their very very unique generic shoprite brand car. Just because you can rearrange the letters to say MY CAR doesn't mean it's a quality automobile. You're a midlife loser who probably has a weblog where you write about how your dog and cat make out all day. You should just try making a car out of your own fecal matter, that surely will make you an individual. And then you'll get arrested for disturbing the peace. And then i wont have to look at you. And then all will be well.
posted by laurie  # 10:43:00 AM

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

"When will their ignorance be burnished with distaste..." I let you know after i shoot you in the face, ok? 

Does nobody love you? Do your eyes bleed? Is poetry chock-full of demise your only outlet? No one understands you? The whole world is a steaming inferno of ignorance?
Well guess what, you're absolutely right! Nobody does love you! The only thing that can save you now is dressing entirely in black and never entering the presence of sunlight. Godbless.
posted by laurie  # 1:11:00 PM

Saturday, December 06, 2003

Snow sucks, like your mom 

I hate snow. I mean wtf is up with this shit. OMG. What can you do with it? Sledding? Piss in it? Get wet? Fun. It's like a white couch, it looks real fucking pretty but theres no way Aunt Louise is gonna let you sit on it. "Oy vey! Get off my couch, fucking shmuck. Go help you're mother make perogies." You can't drive in it, you can't sleep in it, you can't swim in it (trust me), theres no way you're gonna make cookies in it. Fucking useless mother fucking peices of shit. This kind of abomination of the local jersey climate sometimes makes me inquire within myself... "why did i move out of the basking, glorious sunshine of the Florida beaches?" Beacuse florida smells like a combination of rottting vegetation, vagina, and wet dog. So the moral of the story is i would rather live in this frozen tundra than be consumed by the foulness of southern american foulness. Yeah. Foulness.
posted by laurie  # 3:01:00 PM

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Your an attention whore 

Soooo. I know i should have touched upon this subject earlier, but i have tried feverishly to ignore this tragedy. Yeah, reality tv. Bring together an array of the world's biggest losers so we can see them do their loser life activities. I don't even want to know about their lame ass lives, let alone watch that shit. But these shows do bring a certain amount of comic relief. Knowing that in real life everyone else is boring and should die, is really reassuring.
posted by laurie  # 6:59:00 PM

Friday, November 21, 2003

You should be dead, not trying to have rights like other american citizens 

What, i ask, do you think is the most profound act of ludacris nonesense? No, don't answer that. I'll tell you, because my opinion is more important. Seriously, shut the fuck up. Ok anyways, well i would have to say the most defecient rationalization would have to be the elderly wanting technology to digress. In what way does that make sense? There is no reasoning behind that. We have cars to carry us from point A to point B, but you would rather we walk. Why? Because that's how it used to be done? Is that your only arguement? You're a fucking degenerate, why won't you just die already? That's how it used to be back in 1925. You like that huh? Why don't you do yourself a little charleston and die of polio.
posted by laurie  # 1:10:00 PM

Monday, November 10, 2003

Wow, i bet you feel important now 

I like getting mail and everything, but not from 30 something loser's who want to have a petty arguement with a 17 year old girl. So what if i spelled so-and-so wrong, i don't need your loser commentary or a lecture about your higher intelligence. Don't you have something better to do? Like fold shirts at the gap, maybe? Pathetic.
posted by laurie  # 1:52:00 PM

Friday, November 07, 2003

Top Ten reasons i hate the world 

Oh god, i have the best idea ever. Every friday should make a list of ten things in certain increasing or decreasing orders that are relevant to a certain subject matter. What an apiphany. Did i spell that right? Oh wait. I really don't give a crap.

Top Ten Things I Hate
10. Bees -They are shit my pants scary.
9. Wiggers -You jus' say dat cause i be black!
8. Field Hockey -Sluts.
7. People who use the word "celly" -Again, sluts.
6. Soccer Moms -Bring me a juicy juice while i play gameboy, EW.
5. Emos and Goths -No one understands my pain so i have to wear Sesame Street shoelaces and a red sweat catcher on my wrist! *tear*
4. Online Journalists -Attenion seeking pathetic maggots of society.
3. Hippies -You care about the animals, when they'd rather have you die a slow painful death while they eat you.
2. Religion -How fucking dense do you have to be to follow something that has no logic. You know what, i believe that kangaroos control us from their control lair in the center of the earth. Yep.
1. French -Ok, they just fuckin smell bad.
posted by laurie  # 11:21:00 PM

Sunday, November 02, 2003

Avast me blow hole to the scumbucklers, matey! Arg! 

DID YOU KNOW SEPTEMBER 19TH IS NATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY?!?! OMG, MY LIFE NOW HAS MEANING.
posted by laurie  # 7:24:00 PM

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Under the tuscan Sun 

Hang on a sec while i take my menopausal meds and drive my 2.5 kids to school in my pathfinder. Gross. I can tell this movie sucks by the title. This is the kind of thing that makes me hate you.
posted by laurie  # 2:28:00 PM

Friday, October 17, 2003

Ugh... no 

"When the night falls upon the relic of humanity, near nor far will we gather."
What do you think that means? Our society will fall and we won't even take notice? Right? No, you psychopaths. It doesn't mean anything. I just made that up. I can't stand when people read into things too much. When famous writers pooped out their famous stories, i don't think they meant for a 2 page short story to turn into a 200 page analysis. Please, shut the fuck up.
posted by laurie  # 1:43:00 PM

Thursday, October 16, 2003

This midget should be lassod, tied up, hidden in a basement, and fed twice weekly. It's for her own good. 

Ok, story time. A couple of days ago in school i smelled my hands and exclaimed "Mmm, i smell good!" Some loser, that i swear to god is like 4 feet tall and has the face of a caucasian gary coleman, retaliated with "You're concieted." (By the way, i dont know why she was retaliating. I wasn't even fucking speaking to her.) Now im not gonna blame her for this, no that wouldnt be right. I blame her parents. It's the upbringing. Apparently she doesnt know that it is impolite to comment negatively on something even if it is true. Like if i was to wander up to her and tell her "Omg, did you know you strongly resemble a troll?" that would be rude. Now what can i do with these jealous bitches that surround me? I think a flamethrower would correct these atimate blemishes of society.
posted by laurie  # 12:24:00 PM

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Damn, i know everything 

Today in english we were talking about the meaning of life. Those fucking morons. They think theres some sort of importance that our lives serve. No. We're animals, nothing special. There's no higher being that put us here to find enlightenment. I know people wish that they were something special, that they had a meaning, but no. Get over it. You live and you die, thats all there is to it. If you want some sort of explanation for this "meaning of life" concept, i'll give you mine. Life is all about the little things. Things that you might seem are miniscule are really all that you have. So live for that bag of chips, that cute sweater, or that long intense conversation with a loved one. It's all you have. Because once you reach the apex of your being, it's all down hill from there. You cant look at the big picture. It isnt what matters.
posted by laurie  # 2:47:00 PM

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

I don't understand what the big shit-la about halloween is. Honestly, i hate it. As i hate you. It's not so much the holiday i despise, its the CVS ceramic pumpkin/catwitch/indegestion inducing figurines. Please someone tell me where the logic there is. OMG and polyester ghost/disgured face costumes, why!?!? I'd rather dress my child up as a turd than torture him with self humiliation because he has no sense of creativity. And why exactly would you let your children consume candy from arbitrary strangers. You could save money and time by celebrating halloween with a six-pack. You know what, you could save a lot of money by celebrating every holiday with a six pack! Woo hoo, eight crazy nights of chaunakah!
posted by laurie  # 12:57:00 PM

Saturday, October 11, 2003

Hey Dianna, or shall i say "Di". Your pot head friends are too lazy to pronounce 3 syllables, cute.
This girl is so much like me its eerie. Same freakin hair color at the same time (ruby by herbal essences, looks better on me), same aspirations (florist, i'll do better), same clothes, a lot of the same ideas. Your scary. Stop copying me bitch.
posted by laurie  # 11:28:00 AM

Friday, October 10, 2003

YEY! I googled my weblog and im first! Thats cute. Oh and by the way, i hate you.
posted by laurie  # 4:57:00 PM

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Ok. Those coach bags are really cute. But what i dont understand is why people insist on owning one of these slut equivelant to a fanny pack and wearing the shit you slept in to school. Yeah thats attractive, you ugly skank. Dirty old sweatpants and a ponytail, cute! Yeah that's why all the 15 year olds want to have sex with you, not because your an easy dirty whore.
posted by laurie  # 8:05:00 PM

Monday, October 06, 2003

AH-NOLD. He runs fur guvunur, and things like that. He wants to help the envi-urment, and things like that. He will pump california up, and things like that. It's not a tumor.
posted by laurie  # 10:29:00 PM

Saturday, October 04, 2003

HA... HA HA. OMG the gayest people in the world would have to be radio personalities. While some are mediocere, as are most of the 101.5 peepers, the rest are just fat people who couldnt be seen on t.v. and think that we now actually care about what kind of pancakes you ate, or when the last time you took a dump was. And, omg, the power trips that they get from hiding behind a phone and mocking other loser individuals is the saddest thing since the french. Take King Loser Asshole, Howard Stern, for example. He's so ugly, it hurts. I just wanna listen to the shitty overplayed music, not your monotone voices about mattress sales. Oh my god, please fucking die right now.
posted by laurie  # 10:53:00 AM

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Ok. Ew. On the bus the other day this tub of butter, or fat kid, or whatever... well he says "Yo, biotch i cant bes waiting to gets off this bIIIus shiot and have some smoke." Or something along those lines. Loosely translated it means "Excuse me, miss. But I can not wait to get off of the bus, in order to have a ciggarette." So i thereby asked him "why in all hell do you smoke in the first place?" His reply... "its a social thing" And my reply... "And in what society is it a thing to smoke death sticks? I believe that so called 'trend' kind of pooped about ten years ago. This isn't 1984 and you dont see me wearing legwarmers. Fine, go on smoking. But in ten years from now dont expect me to pity your lame ass because you 'started it to be in the crowd, but now it just keeps you out'." No, shut up and kill yourself. You're a fat ass loser. The only reason you smoke is because you're to much of a pussy to actually be yourself. So, next time someone asks you why you smoke; tell them its because you're a fat ass pussy loser. Now go die.
posted by laurie  # 8:39:00 PM

Monday, September 15, 2003

http://www.mycathatesyou.com/newlist.asp
posted by laurie  # 2:52:00 PM

Thursday, September 11, 2003

How daaaaaare you
posted by laurie  # 8:58:00 AM

Sunday, August 31, 2003

Tell me, does this make any sense to you? I have 3 honors classes (including chemistry) and im in a special ed class. Hmm no. Doesn't add up. I hate the world. Kill me now.
posted by laurie  # 6:37:00 PM

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Yo Yo Yo, Dis be da ShiOt!
The one and only thing i don't comprehend in our society is why anyone in their right minds would find the popular urban fad, 'ghetto', to be in anyway attractive. "Yo, I'm illiterate and poor, all the girls want to have intercourse with me." Error, program malfunction... brruugzzzz....*head explodes*. What?! When did it become appealing to have the grammar of a 4 year old? "Bitch, wantsta hit it up wit me in mah bling blangin escalade?" Oh yes baby, talk stupid to me. Awww heeeells naw, he didn't get that basketball jersey at walmart?! Nigga must be rich! You're eight years old, and you already wear an adult's XXL. Are you obese? No. Are you a mutant wildabeast? Yet again, no. You just think that's 'phat'. No, that's not phat, that's sad. You are sad, sad people. Yo, I just made this doorag out of my father's old skid marked tightie whiteys. I know, i know; im just that sexy. Wanna drop out of school, join a gang, become a crack whore, and live in a box? I know I can't wait!
posted by laurie  # 6:41:00 PM

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

There are 2 fruit stands on a dirty street of Somalia. One is owned by Bibla, and one is owned by Junabi. They both sell the same fruit at the same price, with one exception- that Junabi's fruit is better grown, bigger, and more nutricious. Most of the starving civilians buy their tiny bit of nourishment for their diseased, shrunken, diminishing excuse for a body from Junabi; but the sickly who come too late are forced to obtain their nourishment from Bibla's stand.
This story is not so much about the economoics and the state of the african people, but about my reasoning for like quality stores like Abercrombie & Fitch and Banana Republic. I dont just shop at said stores because my peers do, I enjoy quality made outfitting. It makes sense, i swear.
posted by laurie  # 1:29:00 AM

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

REAL ULTIMATE NINJA POWER
Facts:
1. Ninjas are mammals.
2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.


posted by laurie  # 3:50:00 PM

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

How to be a fat bitch with a stupid ass talkshow, or Oprah.
1. Don't leave anyone alone until they have a nervous breakdown.
2. Don't EVER go out in the daylight without makeup, you're atrociously ugly.
3. Publish a magazine, and plaster you're ugly ass all over the cover.
4. Mass produce as much shit as you can possibly sell, like Oprah Winfrey's Book Club Bucket Hats. Because everyone needs one of those.
5. Don't get married to your boyfriend of 10 years; c'mon you're only 50.
6. Give some idiot a makeover. Wow you're special, and talented I might add.

Although shes so awfully annoying, Oprah's Angel Network has helped thousands maybe millions of children around the world. I really do commend her on these efforts.
posted by laurie  # 6:30:00 PM
fuck
posted by laurie  # 6:05:00 PM

Monday, July 21, 2003

Don't Label Me©
I am so sick of these labels people like to group me and stick me under. Yesterday i heard the most atrocious hypocritical statement ever to be uttered out of our moronic youth's mouth- "Ew your contaminated with labels!" It was about my PLAIN green cotton shirt, with nothing on it, from abercrombie. Take note- she/he/it was wearing a shirt that said in large ugly neon letters- "ETNIES". Now, i get along with anybody and everybody regardless of what clothes you wear, who you hang out with, what your god damned beliefs are, and etc... as long as you are a respectable person, thats all i care about. Others label me, so in turn they label themselves, and then blame people like me for STARTING the labels... i see how convenient this cycle is for everyone. You feel insecure about yourself so you need too establish some sort of attention seeking habits; and then say that it everyone elses fault for not accepting you, that everyone else does it too you. No one seems to be able to take responsibility for their own insecurities and problems. It's so hard to socialize with people when they are so worried about their appearance and what others think of them. I find myself saying totally insane statements just too see if these people are above all of this bullshit. All i really want is a friend, not someone who looks cool when they are at the mall with me. I just don't care.
posted by laurie  # 6:46:00 PM

Sunday, July 20, 2003

What cats REALLY think...
Monday - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Tuesday - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

Wednesday - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Thursday - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......

Friday - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Saturday - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

posted by laurie  # 7:22:00 PM

Thursday, July 17, 2003

Hellowetodds, click on tha perty purple
1. I love you, i really really doooo
2. Life is wonderful!
3. la dee da dee wad dee da
posted by laurie  # 7:09:00 PM

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

i got some funnies for you.. I JUST WANT BANG BANG BANG
posted by laurie  # 12:09:00 AM

Sunday, July 13, 2003

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
posted by laurie  # 6:29:00 PM

Friday, July 11, 2003

Ginny, this is utterly ridiculous. It was all just a big misunderstanding. I honestly didn't block you, so i was a little heated when you sent me that first nasty I.M. Look, im sorry, i don't know how this happened. And i really just think it's pathetic. So unless you really have something worth while to tell me please stop creating new sns just to inflict arbitrary insults on my character; that, my friend, is the sad part.
posted by laurie  # 11:44:00 PM

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Today at crazy school, they made me pee in a cup. It took me almost 45 minutes. Because, who the fuck can pee in a cup when the counseler and your mom are having a conversation about vacations?!? And then they started asking ME questions! I was like "uhh... i'm trying too pee in a cup, and your asking me questions?!?" It was a surprise drug check, and they HAVE too watch you incase you happen too be carrying an old ladies urine sample in your cooter.
posted by laurie  # 9:24:00 PM

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

?
posted by laurie  # 8:57:00 PM
JJM253: this pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneading my balls like hard boiled eggs in a tube sock
JJM253: said her name was bambi
JJM253: the lap dance is always better when the stripper is crying
JJM253: I had picked up this hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons
through a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs and one of those Fruit Of The Loom tank-tops.
Well, that night I lost myself to ruby red lips,
milky white skin and baby blue eyes.
Name was Russell.

its a good song, i just ask you not too sing it
posted by laurie  # 7:24:00 PM

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

I LIKE THA MOOOON (click on that you idiots)
posted by laurie  # 12:55:00 PM

Saturday, July 05, 2003

I think a list of horrible words would be perfection. So me and a few friends coughlesbianloverscough made one. These are the kind of child molester words that give you that sinking feeling in your belly, stum, or vag.
1. tender
2. make love
3. craving
4. feat
5. meal
6. cornmeal
7. feast
8. mate
9. kindred
10. slender
11. quiver
12. treat
13. wound
14. breast
15. hearty
16. mighty
17. horny
18. plunder... like a pirate
19. franchise
20. scrotum
21. womb
22. mole
23. crest
24. dander
25. doodle
26. frank.... as in "I'm being frank with you..." or "Frankly, i hate you."
27. mucus
28. secretioin
29. seep
30. gerth
31. flaggulated
32. frankfurter
33. gargle
34. festering
35. plump
36. pompus
37. fortitude
38. obese
39. tad
40. broad
41. braud...reffering to a woman
42. phleghm
43. nugget
44. kankersoar
45. gnome
46. dildo
47. inflamatory
48. dwarf
49. dunkel... dark in german
50. dung
51. clavical
52. hump
53. fertile
54. snarl
55. fumble
56. pouch
57. froth
58. tangible
59. pubic
60. vesical
61. hunger
62. snorkle
63. creamy
posted by laurie  # 10:47:00 PM
fuck
posted by laurie  # 5:44:00 PM
Your instant messanger screen name has a direct insight on your creativity and personality. So i've come up with a few lists of the best and worse sns to date.

My 5 personal favorites:
1. donteatmxicnfood ... Cause i mean c'mon, anything that forces you to think about projectile diarrhea is funny.
2. LigerHiger... Mine and hillary's sn, get it L and H... no you don't do you, that's becuase you're an incompetent, maybe you should just leave...
3. beautifu1 cliche... Is this an oxymoron? I really have no idea, but it sounds cool. Mmm mmm good! 2 thumbs up! Fine holiday fun!l
4. SmellMyFishTank... Oh, I'll smell your fish tank, you didn't even have to ask.
5. ClapForRetards...C'mon, clap for em, they need a little encouragement.

My 5 personal nominations for people who should be stoned to death, i mean screen names... sure i do:
1. HoTtiE2NaUgHtY69... That's a sn just asking to be raped, i.m. this girl and harass her. Thank you in advance.
2. italianstalion68... No, you're not a stalion, you're a human being, now please die.
3. MaGiNn 84... You're name and an arbitrary number. You must be a really complex person. I'm impressed.
4. QTpie GuRl244... I bet this bitch plays feild hockey. By the way... its gIrl, not gUrl, you ignorant fuck.
5. youknowimapimp69... Yeah, i know you're a pimp. Cause it's way cool to be hooked on heroin and live in cardboard box at the age of 15.
posted by laurie  # 5:38:00 PM

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

There is one thing i hate above all other things (besides bees... god i hate them... their stupid black and yellow colors.... i cant express the amount of putrid filth i feel for them... what was i talking about?... oh yeah) is stupid quotes vomitted from the mouths of the aidsinfested-crackwhores we call youth.

First there's the Emo "no one understands my pain" quote:
"when dark clouds rise the raven glares to all"
OMG, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY, NOT ONLY DO YOU MAKE NO SENSE YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID IT MAKES ME WANNA DEHYDRATE MYSLEF, WITHER UP, AND DIE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY... JUST SO I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU. AND NO, YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST ONE TO WEAR THOSE GLASSES, NOW PLEASE KILL YOURSELF. PLEASE.

Or the sophmore feild hockey whore who amazes herself simply by being single:
"She's so kissable, huggable
loveable, unbelievable
She's a mouthful of anything and
everything a man could want
She ain't typical, she's
unpredictable, she's avaliable
it's a miracle"

Yes, all hail mighty highschool student. You stun me with your ability to not fuck every man within a 5 mile radius. Honestly, im shocked. And, oh god, i would have NEVER guessed you would put this poem in your profile... you really are unpredictable. Not too mention not typical. And i wish i was as huggable and kissable as you, but my pussing moles, protruding hunch, and hissing lisp kinda turn people off.

Even some good men get dragged into its imploding black hole gravitational force:
"Even though there are a lot of sad, and difficult things in the world, I'm glad i'm here and happy for the people I have met..."
No matt... no.
posted by laurie  # 10:50:00 PM

Back in the olden days...

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